Remembering Who I Used to Be

Today I missed my babies.  Unexpectedly freed from my training session at the gym, I found myself home alone, on an absolutely gorgeous day, with for a lack of a better phrase, no one to play with.  It’s days like this that I long for the toddlerhoods of my two “little” ones.  When we would go on walks to the fire station at the end of our street to look at the trucks and then walk back, past our house, to the park, where we could play for (what felt like) hours.  When after an early lunch, I could kiss their sleepy little heads and put them down for an afternoon nap.  And then as soon as they were up, do the same things all over again.

Perhaps I’m still sulking from the fact that medically it wasn’t exactly advisable for me to have another child.  Perhaps I’m still sad that my littlest one’s whole first year coincided with my tumour.  And perhaps I’m a little envious of all the new babies and babies-to-come that surround me right now.

That being said, I felt simultaneously grateful to be alive on this absolutely gorgeous day, with nothing but time on my hands.

And so, I decided to try and get aquatinted with myself again . . . the me that existed before kids.  When I had a job and interests that didn’t get interrupted by small people clamouring for my attention.  I started out by doing a little research on some stocks . . . I used to love my job in banking, and I’d forgotten how much I loved researching companies.  Then I went shopping.  Not to buy anything  Just to remember what it’s like to shop without really needing anything, without looking for something for the kids.  That part wasn’t as exciting as I had remembered it.  I was home in time for lunch.

And then . . . after lunch . . . I had a nap.  Something I always wanted to do when the little ones were home, but something that always seemed to elude me.  I only slept for 20 minutes, but it was 20 minutes of pure bliss.

So here I find myself, sitting in the brilliant sun, on my front porch, writing this and counting down the minutes till I can go pick up the kids from school.

Today made me realize that my life is in transition.  The last 5 years have in many ways, been the hardest, but they have also been the best years of my life.  As time moves me further away from my life with babies and small children, away from being needed by someone else all the time, away from the healing from the tumour, I am being gently pushed into new things.  And while I loved the chance I had today to remember who I used to be, next time I find myself with a day like today, I may use it to find out who I am now.

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